eclipse: all yours
by McMuffin
Summary: Addison's more than a little drunk with the girls, and after a discussion about how big their boyfriends' love rods are, she is prompted to call Kevin to ask him. Somewhere between Nothing To Talk About and Past Tense. Crack fic.


_This is HotCop! crack fic. I wrote it a while ago, and finally after much prodding, I am posting it. Based on my name twinny's prompt; OMGOMGOMG HOKAY HOTCOP DICK MEASURING DRUNKEN ADDIE GIRLS NIGHT KGO. Heh. Enjoy. :)_

_Title: is an amazing Metric song. What I'm currently listening to. Yeah, it makes no sense when you think about the story, but idgaf, I'm pimping the song._

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"So..."

"Well he felt pretty damn huge when we made out at the shooting range," Addison laughs, swirling an olive around in her mouth.

"But you've never seen it?" Violet asks drowsily.

"Nope. I'm waiting."

"For marriage?" Charlotte looks aghast.

"No… Just, till it feels right."

"Hah, let's see how long that is," Naomi laughs.

Addison glares at her and leans against the couch, smiling contently as she remembers kissing Kevin.

"So, how big did it feel?" Charlotte asks.

"Big."

"How big?" Naomi asks.

"I dunno... Bigger than most guys."

Violet chooses this moment to pass out. The others sigh and Naomi stands when the other two don't, and drags Violet towards the downstairs guest bedroom.

"I need to know how big his - hiccup - cock is, Montgomery," Charlotte says.

"I'll tell you eventually," Addison laughs, leaning her head on Charlotte's shoulder.

"No! You need to find out now. Call him." She thrusts Addison's blackberry at her and Addison rolls her eyes, scrolling to find Kevin's number in her contacts before dialing him.

"Kevinnnn..." she slurs the second he picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, hey, hey Kev... 'sAddison."

"Oh, hey."

"Look, so, um - giggle - I was just - giggle - wondering something."

"Yeah?"

"How big is your - hiccup - cock?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, Swatty, how big is your cock?"

"My... My cock?"

"Yeah, y'know, that thing between your - giggle - legs. Your dick, penis, manhood, love rod -"

"- Oh you did not just call it a love rod, seriously Montgomery?" Charlotte smirks.

"Who is that?"

"Doesn't matter. How big is your cock, babe?"

"You think I will tell you that?"

Addison giggles and nods profusely. "Yesss."

"Why would I tell you? We've gone out four times... Well six times technically, but they weren't all dates." She can practically hear his smirk.

"Becausssse... You. Want. To. Fuck. Me."

Kevin gulps, unable to deny that.

"Oh and because you bring me really, really yummy, sprinkled - hiccup - donutssss... But I don't think thass relevant."

He shakes his head chuckling. "No, it's not, but just cuz you're so adorable, and right, I may be inclined to tell you the size of my dick... But I don't know how long it is."

"Seriously? You never measured it? Ever?" Addison exclaims.

"No."

"Whattt? My ex used to... Nevermind. Get a ruler."

"Ookay..."

"Wait, Derek measured his dick?" Naomi exclaims, having given up on dragging Violet to the bedroom.

Addison snorts. "No, Mark did."

Naomi laughs loudly and Charlotte winces at her volume, sending her an intended death glare but failing at the glare.

"So I've got a ruler..."

"Good. Now measure your dick."

Kevin chuckles at Addison's bossy even when drunk tone. "Um, babe, small problem."

"Oh god, you said small, you cannot be small. Not with how good you are with your tongue, oh go -"

"No! Just, I'm not hard, soo..."

"Just look up porn or something."

"You're seriously telling your boyfriend to look up porn?"

"Yes. Wait, actually... No." Addison stands on wobbly legs and climbs behind the couch.

"Addison what are you doing?" Naomi, Charlotte and Kevin all ask at the same time.

"Don't worry!" Addison calls to the girls and tells Kevin to wait a moment. She pulls her shirt off and snaps a picture of herself topless, then pulls her shirt back on.

"Addison? You still there?"

"Yeah." Addison grins to herself and clicks a few buttons on her phone. "Are you getting that?"

Kevin tears the phone from his ear and clicks "accept" on the file, putting Addison on speakerphone.

"Holy fuck."

Addison giggles. "Are you hard yet baby?"

"Yes," he admits.

"Good, now get the ruler."

"Okay... It's eight inches."

"Seriously?"

"Yes!"

"Seriously? Send a picture."

"Yes! Why would I lie? But, you can get your picture."

"Good." Addison grins madly and clambers around the other side of the couch, receiving suspicious looks from Charlotte and Naomi who have stopped their mangled attempt at poker.

"Got it yet?"

Addison hits receive. "Kevvv, you are on loudspeaker now."

"Hi Kevin!" Naomi shouts.

"Uh, hi..."

"Naomi!"

"Charlotte!"

"Hey ladies."

Addison's blackberry dings as the download is complete, and she opens up the photo.

"Holy fuck!" Addison nearly faints.

Kevin chuckles. "So, will you stop nagging me now?"

She turns off speakerphone, after getting curious glances from the other two. "Come over later?"

"Only if you're sober."

"Kay."

"Call me later, sexy."

"I willllll. Bye!"

Addison hangs up and grins at the other women.

"Why'd you have to talk so long, Addissson? We need you to play for Violet now that she's... asleep," Charlotte drawls.

"He has a sexy, swatty voice." Addison laughs and swigs from the vodka bottle on the table. "Oh shit, I'm not sposed'ta drink."

"Why not? Shit, Montgomery, you better not be pregnant!"

"She can't get pregnant, moron."

Addison glares at Naomi. "Kev won't have sex with me unless I'm sober. Oh, that reminds me... You guys need to leave!"

"What! Why?" Charlotte asks.

"So I can have sex, duh."

"Okay... Wait! How big is Kevin's cock anyway?"

"Oh that's why you called him, I forgot." Charlotte laughs.

"Eight inches." Addison beams.

"What?" the others shriek.

"Yup."

"Damn, woman, I'm jealous. Cooper's is like... Five and a half."

"Sam's is about six... Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery... Are you lying?"

"That's a lot of names." Charlotte says in awe.

"I'm not lying! I'd show you photo evidence right now, but I think he might murder me."

"Lucky bitch," Charlotte grumbles.

Addison laughs. "So, as I said, you need to leave."

Naomi groans and rolls over onto her side, then attempts to sit up. "That's not going to work."

Addison rolls her eyes and sits up, reaching for the bowl of chips on the coffee table.

"Eat. Stop drinking... Wait, drink water," she commands them.

Charlotte sighs and sits up. "This better be some hot sex, Montgomery. I'm not leaving for you to have boring sex."

"Sex with me is always hot," Addison informs them with a smirk and then a drunken giggle.

"TMI Addison!" Naomi exclaims.

Half an hour later, Naomi and Charlotte are slightly sober and being shoved out of the house with Cooper outside to pick them up. They carry the passed out Violet to the car, and as Charlotte slides in shotgun next to Cooper, she shouts to Addison that she wants details, and maybe a sex tape.

Addison laughs and returns inside to clean up the alcohol and chips. She has a shower and is almost finished blow-drying her hair when the doorbell rings. She's pulled on footless tights and a black low cut button up sweater and is remarkably sober.

"Hey," she says with a smile as she opens the door to Kevin.

"Hey," he replies with a knowing smirk.

"Glad you called," he says after she shuts the door.

"Yeah..." she laughs softly.

They stare at each other, silently communicating, until they lean forward and their lips meet and Addison sets about revealing that 8-inch love rod.

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_Cracktastic, yes?_


End file.
